Chasing the fairytale.

Regardless of today being a holiday and the third day of my lovely long weekend, I was in a funk.  Not for the entire day, and as of now I've shaken it, but still... I was rocking the moodiness for a good part of the afternoon.  

I woke up and watched the Season 3 finale of Downton (holy lover, what the heck Julian Fellowes?!  Dare I say believe in a fairytale ending every now and then?), then made breakfast for me and Brian.  Somewhere between debating getting in the shower and catching up on the DVR, the wave of blah came over me.  I know exactly what caused it, what's prompting it.

Today, at 27 and three months old, I feel behind the curve.  Big things are happening to friends and family, and I can't help but (semi-selfishly) feel like I'm being left behind.  Girls younger than me are getting engaged, babies are being born, couples are getting married, houses are being bought... and I want that.  All of that.  I know that it will come in time, that I'm not technically "old," that when the time is right things will fall into place blah blah blah.  

Believe me, I've come leaps and bounds from where I was when I first moved to Boston.  Growing up in Texas raised me with the mindset of "the younger the better"-- I'd always been convinced that I would meet my future husband in college, be married by 22, have babies by 23, and be a mom of 3 or 4 before I was 30.  I would be a stay-at-home mom and we would have the perfect dog and live in the perfect house and I would be on the Junior League and life would all just be... perfect.

Fast-forward to the wisdom of 27 years and a culture shock.  

I know that I would not have been prepared to be a wife and mom at 23 years old.  I'm sure that if my life had fallen into place a different way then I certainly would have prepared myself and felt blessed and happy, but now that I'm out of the daily picture of that lifestyle, I cannot help but think "What's the RUSH?"  Will I be able to bring more to the table as a wife at the age I am now than I would have been at the inexperienced age of 23?  I think yes.  In my own relationship, there's been a sense of maturity that has grown between us as a couple and that has definitely come with age and experience and I think the ups and downs of living in the real world together, not just through dorm rooms and lectures, builds you as an individual, which only makes you stronger as half of a couple.  Ten years ago, I would have thought that getting married in my late 20s meant I was on my way to spinsterhood, but my how the tables have turned.

I admittedly have baby fever and swoon over teeny outfits and want to snuggle little ones just that extra second longer, and I absolutely cannot wait to be a mom.  But honestly, there are still times when we babysit our nephew and at the end of the day it is NICE to send him back to mom and dad.  I would still love to be a stay-at-home mom but now realize that would mean doing some kind of work out of my home and not just stopping work completely, at least in the early years of being a mom.  For as long as I can remember I've just wanted to be a mom-- I never had the big ambitious career goals of running a company or having multiple degrees to my name.  I've always known that I would work in a job that makes me happy and then take the next step towards having babies, and that part I can't wait for.  I have friends that had babies younger and they're amazing, wonderful, exceptional mamas, and I respect them so much.  Regardless, I know that that wasn't in my plan for a reason.  

It took me a long time, longer than most, to really figure myself out and figure out what I wanted.  Once you've figured out yourself and your partner and are able to remove the selfish wants and needs from your equation, I feel like that's the time for a baby.  Right now, I still feel a little selfish with my time, and I wouldn't trade the past 5 years for anything-- I certainly wouldn't have had the experiences that I've had with a family of my own.  I know that I've had a chance to live a life that I wouldn't have had if I didn't take the chance that I did and move to Boston, and I certainly wouldn't have met Brian.  As much as I may say all of this, there are still times that I want it to be MY time to shine (there's the selfishness again).  Everyone deserves a chance to be in the spotlight for something amazing, and today I felt a very pity-party feeling of it's my turn, I want something to happen for me, I want something to happen for us.  

Like many ladies in relationships with The One, I can't wait to get engaged.  We've certainly talked about it and I know it will happen soon, but the waiting game is a BITCH.  Despite all of my ranting to friends of "For the love, can it just HAPPEN already?!" if we were to have been a younger married couple, I honestly don't know if it would have been in our cards to make it in the long run.  

We've been dating 5 1/2 years now and in that time we have learned the good, bad, and ugly about each other. The dirty, gritty things that you need to know about someone to truly know them as a person.  We've been together through amazing experiences and heartbreaking circumstances.  We've laughed until we cried and fought until there were no words.  We spent our first two years long distance (he went to school in upstate NY, I was in Boston) and as challenging as that time was, it laid the best foundation for our relationship.  You can't be 6 hours away from someone and see them only on long weekends and holidays without trust, communication, compromise and a fucking LOT of determination and love.  It was so hard, but it made the time that we had together during those two years so much more valued, and the reunion once we were both graduated a million times better because we knew we could actually look together towards what lay ahead for us.  

At the end of the day, I know that Brian knows me better and loves me more than anyone.  He knows that I love to cook and will always volunteer to bring more than I should and will cry and stress out but produce something amazing to take to a party or get-together; that I'll watch Sleepless in Seattle whenever I see it on TV; that Hallmark commercials and stray animals in movies will make me cry; that I love his nephew like he's my own blood; that I really want to be Sandra Bullock's BFF; that my family and his family are my most important people.  He also knows the other side: my faults, the things that drive him up the wall, things that can be compromised and worked on and the other things that are just a part of me (I'm always going to cry too easily.  I'm never going to like when you scare me.  Your socks in the middle of the floor are always going to piss me off just a little.  Okay, a lot.)  For all of my good and bad, he loves me and shows me that he loves me, and I feel so lucky for that.

Yes, patience is a virtue, and one that I'm not so great at observing.  Obviously, this is something I need to work on.  The next time that I get in a funk at times when it seems like everyone is moving forward and I'm just a little left in the dust, I'll remind myself that everything is worth the wait.  In the end my own fairytale will happen, and it will be perfect because it is mine, because it is ours.

In the meantime, I will be so happy for the new baby our family will welcome this week.

For the cousins who adopted a shelter pup today.

For my best friend and her husband who've decided to start a family.

For everything in my life that IS going according to plan.  A plan different than the one I've always imagined for myself, but MY own plan.